I am a chronic apologizer.
I apologize for being late, for being early, for being forgetful, for remembering too much. I apologize for ordering an item at a restaurant that they’ve run out of, as though it’s my fault that they still had it on the menu. I apologize in an elevator, when the other person is going to floor ten and my stop is floor eight. Sometimes, I even ride to floor ten and then walk down two flights, just to avoid having to apologize. And so, “I’m sorry”, ends up being one of the most common phrases to tumble out of my mouth. In its overuse, it’s become less of a true confession, and more of a continual excuse to cover my tracks.
I wonder why I feel the need to excuse myself so often. I do it because I want people to like me; rather, I don’t want to give them a reason not to like me. I don’t want to rock the boat; I’m terrified of making people angry. Outwardly, this aspect of my personality has served me well. I rarely get into fights, rarely am in continual conflict with a friend. But inwardly, it can be suffocating- to never say what I really think, to never speak out when I’m harmed by a friend, and to always, always, lace a hard conversation or confrontation with I’m sorry, sorry, sorry.